RACHEL! Today I taught the "Give us clean hands" dance to a bunch of the youth here, for our monthly youth-led worship coming up this Sun. :D
And we were discussing about forming a proper yth group here. Hehe. For a moment I felt like I was re-creating Poiema here... =P
I found this site full of funny stuff (pages and pages of it), some of which made me laugh till I cried. Here's some of my favs, and the link to the site is in the links list on left (M I Stupid.com). The page number is so you can go read more from those categories if you wanna. :D
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Bad Metaphors from student essays (Page 27)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Every minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
The horizon swallowed the setting sun like a dog sucking an egg, but not quite.
Lost In Translation (29)
In a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk."
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
Outside a Hong Kong
tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: "Drop your trousers here for best results."
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."
In an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: "Take on of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages."
In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
Bad History from student essays (17)
The inhabitants of Ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve, were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Technical Support (32)
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Enter Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the Any Key is.
True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop:Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder?
Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.
Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
Stupid Quotes (36)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Al Gore, VP"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
Church Announcements (37)
(These announcements actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced verbally in a church service.)
Miss Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water"; the sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Potluck Supper Sunday at 5PM -- prayer and medication to follow.
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Announcement in the church bulletin for National Prayer and Fasting conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals."
Ambiguous Employee Recommendations (40)
(One day you might be asked to give a recommendation for someone that doesn't really deserve it. If you can't say something nice, say something ambiguous.)
To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers:
"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration: "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
Stupid Moments in History (45)
The professor asked Barbara, a blonde in her fourth year as an ASU freshman, if she knew what Roe v. Wade was about.
Barbara pondered the question, then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
More Tech Support (47)
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.
Stupid People (53)
1) When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
2) The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3) A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would not compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show up again."
Kids Look At Things Differently (21)POLICE
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the ages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
~And there's a LOT more stuff on the site, but I shall finish off with this one here: Words Per Day (Page 56)
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men.
Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results. It read "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000".
The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."
The husband said "What?"
=)
