"Lasts" are so hard.

This is the last night I'll be at this house. Tomorrow, the last time I'll wake up in this room.
I guess the hardest will be the last look I have at this room, this house that I've lived in for the past three years.
Lasts are so hard.
The pain goes away; I think it's the hardest at during the time leading up to the moment, the moment itself, and then a short time after it. It soon fades, usually quicker that you expected.
But it's still hard, right now.

Like when Little Women was going to end.
The last time I would wear that cape, or that dress, or say those lines, or be that character...
So many lasts.

The new house has none of the memories that this one holds.
And yet, in a year and a half, I know I will be leaving that house to go to college, and thinking of lasts again. And at that time, I will be missing that house and the memories there, more than I'll remember this apartment.
But for now, I suddenly see details in this place that I never cared to see before.

You start noticing things when something's about to end.

Torn between wanting to go on a rant and say everything about how I love this place, but maybe I shouldn't. I should let these last few hours here be happy, productive ones. I should rejoice in the good times I've had here, and the fact that I have been so blessed to live in this awesome place for three years. I will miss it, but it's only because it has been a good time. If it was bad, I wouldn't be sad to leave.

And everything is temporal, anyway. There're other things I've left behind, and slowly the memories have faded, receded into the distance. This will, too. Eventually.
But it's hard now.
My last blog entry typed at this desk, this room, this apartment. With this weather, these sounds, this feel.
The last time I'll get to live as I've been used to for the last three years, with the murmur of the tv coming from dad's room, the whoosh of airplanes over head, these sounds, this view from my window... the last time I'll get to see these lights, the airport, the highway... the last time I'll fall asleep and wake up to these familiar surroundings... It's too hard.

I pray God give me strength to not be too upset and overly-sentimental, as I have to tendency to be. I pray that I can smile and quiet fondness as I look around the room and let my eyes take in these sights for the last few times, let this cold wind blow nostalgically around me for a few more hours, let the memories reply and bound throughout the house, echoing down through my mind...

And I pray that I will be thankful for it all, and God will see me through till tomorrow when I will take my one

last

look.

This, and the past 2 Fridays have all been significant points in my life.

Two weekends ago, starting Thursday, was probably the closest I have ever come to depression. But when I let go of God and told Him that I had given up the will to fight and stand back up, He held on to me, and pulled me back. It was by absolutely no work or will of my own; He is just 100% faithful.

And I thought that maybe I was going through that so that I could use it to relate to someone else in the near future. Just the Tuesday after that, I was able to use it to help Boss.

Wednesday was a holiday, and our old folks' home community service trip.

That Friday, the Harkins had their annual Christmas party. There's just something about that place... it must have the peace and blessing of God on it, because it feels like such a haven. When I shared what I had just gone through (the bad bad weekend), it felt like such release that I had friends around whom I was safe and loved.

Today was the last day of semester exams. =) Exams went pretty well, I think. God's been blessing me, because I don't feel like I studied very very much, and yet things were still good. Stayed over at Kestrel's house yesterday to try and study for Physics. X) Ended up reading so much of Tsubasa and stuff. :D

We went in 2nd exam period, then had the Christmas banquet, then went to Central with a bunch of people. 21 of us, or smth like that.

But anyway, today was a day of acceptance and encouragement. Nice to know that there are the guys who don't only like the cute, giggly, pretty girls. Someone today actually said that he preferred that I was more... well, "me". Thanks. =] I'm not going to put here the specific things that were said, because it might sound like I'm bashing all other girls, which is absolutely not the case. It's just that those two of my friends today have helped me feel encouraged to just go on being myself.

Anyway, Christmas-break goals!

• Move house
• Student Council: work out the kinks in some of our project proposals, then get them started so we can transition smoothly into the new semester
• Master (or at least learn well) the Tsubasa Chronicles style of drawing, which probably means about 2 or more hours of copying per day

• Make my lesson plans for art classes
• Read at least 2 books
• Draw the last round for the comic fighting competition

I have learned that I need to keep busy, otherwise I become SUPER unproductive. XP I've also realized that my creativity comes very alive when I'm busy, like this past week during exams. If I had a spare moment and put pencil to paper, I could just draw. But if I have a ton of free time, nothing flows. Hah, so now that I know that, I'm gonna make myself busy, so that my time gets optimized and my art gets to live.

Christmas holidays, here I come!

School's closed!! O_O

On Tuesday evening when we were sending Rachel off to the airport, we got stuck in the traffic that was there due to the protests and barricades. We really got to see the beginning of what has now dragged out into a ridiculous stalemate between the government and the PAD. The airport's been shut down, no flights in, no flights out... there're gonna be huge repercussions in the near future. They closed the airport just a few hours after Rachel's flight!! Lol. If only your flight had been on Wed, Rach, if only. X) Oh well, at least we should be grateful you didn't go to the airport a few hours later and then get stuck like all the other people. You were so close to that.

It's funny though, how while the foreigners who were stranded in the airport were so mad, the Thai protestors outside were effectively having a big party. =P The entertainment provided for the thousands of protestors included free food, drinks, bands, party music... (not to mention those clappers. Someone must be making a fortune from selling those!)

It's weird to be able to see the airport just a few km from my room window, and at the same time watch the news on tv, and see what's going on just over there, and not be able to do anything about it. Anyway, there's been some violence, and some other schools have been closed since Wed or yesterday. Our school's got better discretion tho. They've only closed today because the government declared a state of emergency. No violence, no bloodshed, please. I don't know how this is gonna be resolved, but I don't want people to get hurt or killed.

But what a good day to not have school. Last night I was up until 1 trying to finish my homework (all the makeup work and tests from last week), and I couldn't. I was gonna have to just apologize to my teachers, and bomb my test. Just about a minute after the alarm clock rang at 5.40 and I got up knowing that I was gonna have to suffer through the day, my mom came into the room with the good tidings! Not trying to sound selfish, though. I don't like what's going on with the political situation, and I really hope and pray that it won't become some horrific thing. But since school is closed, I am grateful to have today off.

And what great weather to accompany it.

If you read this, please pray for Thailand. The economy's gonna be really bad soon: they approximate that the country's losing about 500 million baht for every day that the airport's closed, just from the tourism industry alone. Other losses chalk it up to about 1 billion baht a day. Also pray for a peaceful resolution, that Thai's won't start fighting Thai's, that other innocents won't get caught in the crossfire.

At the same time, let's also all remember that everything is in God's hands, in His control, and nothing happens outside of His will. For that, we can praise Him, be thankful, and have peace. =)

Saturday, 22 November 2008
In Memory of a Beautiful, Spectacular, Wonderful, Emotional Day

Praise God for all He has done, all He has brought us through, for the joy, the laughter, the love, and today: the tears, as we bade our play goodbye...

It's over. I'd better not think of that too much otherwise I'll start crying again. I've already cried all my makeup off. I started bawling right from when we reached the foyer after marching up the auditorium. Hugging everyone, taking teary-eyed, teary-faced pictures, all the celebration, all the cheers...

I'll never forget this play, especially these last 3 days. There're no words to describe the whole experience in its entirety. I can only keep these feelings close to my heart; one of the most precious times in my life. It wasn't all smooth, wasn't all easy, but the hard, hard work we did, and all the glitches that we managed to overcome made it just so much more memorable. I only wish I had said "Just throw it in the fire" to Meg, about Brooke's satchel. :]

I can't tell of all the things that happened in the play here, because there would be far too much to write. But here, just so you know how special it was, and always will be to me, I'll tell you this: to commemorate the play, tomorrow to church, I will wear the skirt the mom made for me. Also because Rachel, my best friend, is here to see it. Plus I'm in an emotional state, and therefore not thinking clearly, because if I was, there'd be no way I'd wear a skirt. Besides, it's black, and I shall be mourning for the play.

Glory to God in the highest!!!

Here it is.

A moment that used to seem so far away; something I thought would take it's own sweet time to get here, with me impatiently awaiting its arrival. But no, it has come faster than I realized. It's tomorrow, the play.

All the way back in 8th grade, when I first came to ICS and was a pickpocket in the Oliver musical, I thought I saw such a long, 4-year acting career before me. So many opportunities. So much to do, wow, imagine when I'm like that someday, in 11th grade, 12th grade. Will I get a main role? What must it feel like? Those older kids are so awesome, I hope to be like them someday.

And, well...

Look. It's here.

Already. I can't believe it. It feels so different when the moment's actually here, than when it's some where far off in the ambiguous distance. When you're envisioning something for the future, you can imagine all the glory, and the storybook-like drama to it. But when time has actually brought it right to you, it becomes your reality, part of your day-to-day life, no longer a castle in the air. I don't feel like a "great, awesome older kid", like the ones I used to look up to so much a few years ago. This doesn't feel like some great, glorious, fantastically glamorous thing that I'm doing. I'm just me, and this is just what I'm doing.

But oh, no, don't be mistaken and think that I'm complaining and saying that my dreams of past haven't turned out to be what I thought they would. Not in the least! This reality is beautiful, and is so heart-wrenchingly close to me, that it's gonna be hard to let go of the play after these last few days are over.

I just pray that God will be glorified in the way we use the talents he's given us, in the friendships that have been forged, tested and strengthened both on and off-stage, and also in the morals and lessons that the story will impart to the audience. I pray that He'll be delighted with us, and let His hand be on this play, and honor all the work and heart that has gone into it.

It's been a good 13 or 14 weeks of work, and I've enjoyed every. single. step. (I'm so gonna cry when this is over.)
May these next three days be the most fulfilling of them all!!

(and Rachel is here from Singapore tonight! She says hi~ ^^ Just the same way that I can't believe that the play is here, she can't believe she's here either, hahaha. =D)

It's a big week coming up for me!

If the play hadn't been postponed for the Princess's cremation, it's be all finished by now. Think of that. O_O

Thank goodness for the cremation. I don't want the play to end. =]

So, the drama that we've put so much time, heart, and effort into over the last 12 weeks or more is about to come to a head. The character that I've waited for 2 years to be, that I've slowly been bringing to life these last few months, is about to be shown off in just a few more days. And then... she'll be gone.

Wow.

This week's gonna be insane, I anticipate. Rehearsals are meant to be until 7 pm, but we're told to "be prepared to stay till 9". My grades are gonna drop some... but it's okay, I'll put them back up after the play. How fun, tho! Staying at school till that late with people I love. ^^

Sorry, Rach. Wish I'd seen earlier that next Tues is a holiday, then you could've stayed till Wednesday. Sigh. Guess we'll just have to cram all our yakking into the few days that we do have, then. =P

Since Friday, I've resolved to watch at least parts of the Little Women movie, everyday, for the benefit of my character. Lol, yes, I am that dedicated to the play.

DRAMA, HERE I COME!

So I'm learning that the only one who'll never let you down, and the one that you can always trust to be consistent in personality and character, is God.

There's a tendency to build up an image of someone in your mind, only to be disappointed later when, simply by the default of imperfect human nature, they don't live up to your grand assumptions and impossible expectations.

Wish I hadn't had such expectations.

In the paraphrased words of Miss Jo March, "I wish I didn't have a heart."
Because then I wouldn't have to fight so hard to keep it safe.

Wish my feelings wouldn't go running off so easily. It's tiring to be always chasing after them to stop them. And it's so hard to stop them.

I suppose that, since energy and will are- to my observation- more finite and limited than emotions and thoughts, there will come a point when one can no longer bridle his or her waking dreams, but may only sit back and watch, helpless to stop the heart from running whichever way it pleases.

That's where, then, the infinite power of God must intervene, else the fallible human soul would soon stumble and be shattered.

Let that grace be on me.